being an oscars review. {part one}

oscars-1

Honestly, I have no idea who the host is. Seth MacFarland? Is that his name? He’s cute. Gay? He looks like a small little guy.

Does Ben Affleck have a square bow tie on? That’s interesting.

Here’s the thing about the Oscars — I don’t get half the jokes. And by half, I mean all.

So THAT’S Daniel Day Louis? Hmm. I was picturing a beard.

He looks a bit like that crazy guy that Angelina Jolie was married to.

No, not Brad Pitt.

The other guy.

Whoa. With the boo-ing. I like it.

Was Jennifer Lawrence the Hunger Games girl? I’m feeling confused about that. Katniss?

I like all of the pretty ceiling lights.

This boobs song is pretty catchy. Who’s posting it on Facebook tomorrow? I dare you.

Okay, too much intro. Can we move on to the pretty people please?

Still not that interested in Channing, by the way.

Charlize’s dress makes her look much bigger than she is.

Movie to watch: Flight.

Other movies to watch: All of the other movies they’re talking about.

Maybe all movies should be made using sock puppets. Think about the money you could save — each actor can play two characters at once!

Okay, seriously. Are we over this intro now? No wonder the show is so damn long.

I spy Helen Hunt.

Sally Field looks pretty in red.

I just heard that SkinnyGirl is donating $2500 to Dress for Success for every red dress on the red carpet tonight. Good PR work, Bethenny. (Thanks for the tip, Tina!)

Side note: I made myself a cup of tea (black, splash of milk) over two hours ago. Still haven’t taken a sip.

Actor in a Supporting Role.

Are they all over 70?

Yes, looks like they are.

My father-in-law looks slightly like Tommy Lee Jones. The one at the Oscars, not the one in Lincoln.

And, the young guys wins it! Although, he plays an old guy in the movie, so it doesn’t really count.

I think Jack Nicholson is asleep. Wait. Jack Nicholas? Which one is the golfer and which one is the actor?

I can’t tell you how much I love fast-forwarding through commercials.

Why does Paul Rudd insist on that horrible, horrible hair?

Melissa is so good.

The gathering on her dress is perfect. Ditto with the glitz.

I’m pretty sure that Maggie Simpson short is about 10-years old.

I’ve actually heard of Paperman. Oh yeah, at the Golden Globes. Nevermind.

I still haven’t seen Brave, but I know Frankenweenie freaked out the girls… and our nanny.

If you’re wearing a kilt are you also suppose to wear a bow tie?

Whoa. That lady went all the way with the Brave attire.

Pretty Reese. I think that dress was just on Project Runway this week.

Is Anne Hathaway’s dress from Jessica McClintock? In 1998? Yes, I think it is.

Please, oh please, do not let Anne win and make us suffer through another “humble” winning speech. I can’t take it anymore.

Do you think that guy had a blow-out? When I squint my eyes, I can seen him bald. I like that better.

His wife is super pretty.

Oh, Snow White and the Huntsman? I think I have that on a Netflix DVD somewhere around here.

I’m liking this new straight across bust line for the less busty girls. Totally flattering.

I really need to see Anna Karenina. I adore a good Kiera Knightly period-piece.

Oh gosh. That hair on the gal for the winning hair is not so good. How’s that for irony?

Halle Barry in the perfect dress to celebrate Bond.

Who is the girl in the crazy ass, low-cut dress that they keep showing? Maybe I should start watching the red carpet first.

I wonder if the Oscars get nominated for Golden Globes.

I love love love Kerry Washington. I do not love her dress. Or her center part.

Jamie Foxx was performing in Seattle a couple of years ago — singing, I mean — and I still regret not going. I think he was at one of the casinos.

This guy who won for the short film made the best speech. Loved the way he thanked his mom and dad. And wife, Nina.

I love the name Nina.

The guy with Amy Adams was not impressed with the “standing up for the arts” speech. Not impressed.

I always think Liam Nielsen is that drunk guy. Nick Nolte. They look nothing alike.

Sometimes, doesn’t it seem unfathomable that people lived in the time of Abraham Lincoln? It makes my head spin to think back in history.

Was that Coach Taylor? In Zero Dark Thirty?

I wish that they would show the actors in the crowd more. Come on, Oscars! But, I guess it’s not as fun when everyone’s sober. Unlike the Golden Globes.

I feel like Ben Affleck can never quite oppress his inner-geek. It’s always lingering there, right under the beard and the New Balance shoes.

Are the two Jennifers racing to the mike? It looked like it. Go, Jennifer, go!

Jennifer Garner looks so good. Perfect color.

Oh my, he’s talking too slow. The Jaws music is coming.

Salma with that high bedazzled neckline. Wow. It looks painful.

How interesting that the orchestra is in another building! I could use a behind the scenes special for the Oscars, please.

John Travolta is looking as Botoxed as ever! Although, I feel like his hairline looks a little better than usual, so we’ll call it a tie.

I like that everyone says Les Miserables differently — John put a lot of flare on his version. Obviously.

Oh my gosh. It’s only half way over? I can’t take any more tonight… Part II to come.

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4 Responses to “being an oscars review. {part one}”

  1. cathie Says:

    Hilarious! Love it! One addition: Seth looks looks like 30 yo Peter Brady.

  2. sara Says:

    love. dead on, as usual.

  3. margot Says:

    You make me want to watch the Oscars now. About Anne’s dress, I was thinking Waters & Waters bridesmaid collection from the early 1990′s. Or a dress my mom made for my Barbie doll once.

  4. Janice Says:

    I missed it, but reading this makes me feel like I saw it :)

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